- Wear as little as possible so you can fly through the aisles like a feather on electric skates.
- Wear a belt with a hidden pocket for credit cards, etc. so your hands are free to grab, grab, grab.
- For easy gliding, spray the bottom of your shoes with Pam.
- Wear rubber-grip gloves for a superglue grip.
- Enlist a designated driver to have the car running and waiting at each store’s door so you can enter and exit like a bandit.
- Enlist a passenger to grab your purchased items and load them in the car as you exit each store.
- Use ‘hands free’ cell phones so driver and passenger are alert at all times.
- Wear war paint, a mow hawk, sleeves ripped at the shoulders. People will quickly move aside.
- Grunt aggressively. If necessary put an Alka Seltzer tablet under you tongue, let it foam, and watch the crowd move away.
- Don’t use a shopping cart. It will slow you down. For smaller items, use your body like you’ve never used it before. Fling items over your shoulders, arms, and head. But never, never, ever use your pockets or bra as you may land in jail with nothing. For larger boxed items, use hefty stretch garbage bags with drawstring handles.
If all this sounds too intense, stay home, save your energy, money, and sanity. Toast yourself for being smarter than the average person is!
Copyright © Dianne Marie Andre
In and Around the Garden 